Monthly Archives: July 2012

Steve Irwin, privileged asshole hunter.

This is either the worst thing I’ve ever made, or my magnum opus.

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TRIGGER WARNING: The word ‘stupid’, the word ‘misogynist’, naughty bad words, words, punctuation, images, colors, lines, fluffy hampster creatures, people, shirts, monitors, keyboards, tables, chairs, viking paraphernalia, trigger warnings.

Right. So. I made a thing to address a, um, pressing issue.
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Abortion Cake

Two warnings: This post is image heavy as hell; if you have a slow connection, be warned.

Second, it treats the topic of abortion with a lot of levity, so if you’re particularly sensitive about such things this might not be a good post to read. I felt it needed a bit of a trigger warning.

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Conversations rarely go as you would want them to

I was watching food network earlier.

For the uninitiated, food network is filled to the goddamned brim with gay people. Show hosts, major stars, competitors on shows… quite frankly, it’s fantastic. It’s like a glimpse into this magical post-gay world where you can be as gay as you want and hey, who cares because you are in fucking gay mecca. Learning to cook for your partner? More power to you. Competing on a show to get an up in life after being kicked out of your house because you’re gay? Good for you.

This along with the lack of typical TV sexism makes Food Network my favorite goddamned channel. No matter what shit is on the other channels, I always know that if I’m on Food Network, the most viscerally disturbing thing I might see is some dude sauteing a brain. Which, honestly, you get used to. Not so with bigotry.

Sadly, this magical land where everyone frolics through gay paradise munching on duck testicles and salmon flavored ice cream is thoroughly shattered should I make the mistake of watching said magical land with… basically anyone.


Because straight assholes find the gay people on food network REALLY GODDAMN FUNNY.

And of course, they like to be vocal about it. Really vocal. They also like to give their takes on the lives of gay people while unknowingly sitting across from a gay person. So ironic! In that aneurysm kind of way.

To highlight what I mean, here’s a conversation I just had, after Anne Burrell mentioned that a competitor on her show impressed her because he was an openly gay chef in the South.

What was said:

“Why do we care if he’s gay in the South?” “Why don’t they ever say ‘Openly gay chef in the North’ !?” “Did he just have nothing else special about him?”

What I said:

“Anne Burrell is gay, so she understands and respects the danger he puts himself into by being openly gay in a non-gay-friendly area.”

What I wanted to say:


The reply, after insisting I prove that Anne Burrell was gay:

“Why is it so hard for him to be gay in the south though? Are people just going ‘oh ew a gay guy made my food!?”

What I said:

“The South particularly tends to be a backwards, overly religious and dangerous place to be gay,  so he’s putting himself in danger by being out”

What I wanted to say:

A young lesbian couple was shot in the head execution-style in Corpus Christi a few weeks ago. Just saying.”

The reply:

“Well it’s just so weird how many gay people are on Food Network! There’s a ton of them!”

What I said:

“Probably because so many of the stars are openly gay, and they feel comfortable being out whereas they cover themselves up otherwise.”

What I wanted to say:

“Probably because of how many chefs start out working in kitchens because they’re homeless, and a lot of people are homeless because they’re gay. Also, it’s a welcoming environment.”

The conversation continued:

“What is with gay guys’ voices? Are their voices like that because they’re gay or are they gay because their voices are like that?”

What I said:

“There are gay guys without ‘gay’ lisps and straight guys with them. You just notice the former more and you insist the latter are really gay.”

What I wanted to say:

“Fuck you and your homophobic-ass question.”

The reply:

“There are not straight people with gay lisps!”

What I said:

“There are, you just don’t believe them.”

What I wanted to say:

“No really fuck you.”

A little later:

(mocking the gay competitor, who has a shaved head) “Also I’m going to die of cancer. Or AIDS. Get it? AIDS. AIDS. It’s a joke. Come on. Laugh. It’s funny. I’m making a joke about ass sex. It’s funny.” (Yes, the ‘conversation’ was really like that’)

What I said:

Nothing. I stared silently at the TV until the barrage of “come on it’s a funny joke laugh” ended. Then I just said “No.”

What I wanted to say:


What I wanted to say more eloquently:

“All gay men don’t have anal sex, and for those who do the risk of AIDS is the same as if they were in a straight relationship having unprotected anal sex at the same rate. Also, fuck you.”

And this was where the conversation ended, because everyone had gone off to do other things and I was pissed off and left to write this blog post.

Some day, I’m going to come out to them. I decided a long time ago that this will not be until I’m entirely financially independent of them. I’m going to let them know that. And I will wait for them to ask why I didn’t trust them earlier.

And while they feel hurt and confused that their lesbian daughter didn’t feel she could trust them with something like that, I’m going to be laughing on the inside. And then I’ll tell them “because you guys are homophobic pieces of shit.”

And I will love their anguish. Poor them.

(Also I will wonder why they did not see it coming, I mean really)