Abortion Cake

Two warnings: This post is image heavy as hell; if you have a slow connection, be warned.

Second, it treats the topic of abortion with a lot of levity, so if you’re particularly sensitive about such things this might not be a good post to read. I felt it needed a bit of a trigger warning.

***

So I’m crocheting a fallopian tube and listening to a Pinkie Pie from a My Little Pony spoof sing a fantastic song, and what do I realize?

I never made my Abortion Cake post!

Andi I’m doing fuck all that’s important at the moment!

So without further ado, the making of Abortion Cakes!

Adapted primarily from this recipe for Molten Lava Cakes. I sincerely hope this doesn’t leave a trackback. If you really want to make something edible, I would rely on the instructions there instead of the inane shit I’m about to give you.

In addition to the ingredients listed there, you will, of course, need little babies, maraschino cherries (and the juice), red dye, chocolate chips (or sauce) and corn syrup!

First off, wash your babies. Who knows where those things have been! Mine were on a cat and in a cat’s mouth, for instance.

Plastic babies in a colander, being soaked and perhaps baptized.

I decided to let mine soak in soapy water until I needed them, partly because I was worried about paint and such coming off into the cakes once I stuck them in and figured that this would be a good way to make sure they weren’t prone to that.

colander full of soapy water

While your babies are baptizing, gather up your non-baby ingredients.

Eggs, cake flour, corn syrup, butter, red dye, dark chocolate, chocolate chips

Get a double boiler set up by putting a bowl on top of a pot of boiling water, unless you want burnt baby chocolate I guess?

double boiler with melting chocolate

For the record, this whole ‘abortion cake’ thing comes from a blog I read a few forevers ago (and cannot find a link to for the life of me) where a woman, using the blog to keep track of her road to an abortion, remarked that nobody has abortion cakes.

I get her point; she’s saying that pro-choice people aren’t all just crazy about abortions, having endless unprotected sex and buying pregnancy tests by the gross, shouting with joy “Oh, yay! It’s time for my abortion!” upon receiving a positive reading, rushing to the local bakery to sample flavors, planning out her abortion funfest.

sugar being poured into melted chocolate

Right, the cake. Put three live chickens into a bowl.

Eggs in a bowl

As I was saying; No, being pro-choice isn’t being totally in love with abortions and thinking they’re just the greatest thing ever. But my reaction to ‘Nobody has abortion cakes’ was, well,

Why not?

flour being added to the eggs

I mean, there are times when having an abortion is traumatic and a difficult decision- for rape victims, for people who find out that their child wouldn’t live anyways (or would kill them, the mother), for individuals with whom it simply doesn’t sit well with, what have you. In no way should those people be expected to treat their own abortions with levity, expected to be happy about something they don’t want. I just want to clarify that right here.

But does it always have to be that way?

melted chocolate, mixed with eggs and flour mixture.

Do we have to approach abortion with somber reluctance? Respond to “Pro-choicers all love evil baby killing abortions because they’re evil baby killers!” with “No! We don’t enjoy being evil baby killers with baby killing abortions!” ?

Is it really that much better to take “Abortion is evil” and append the word necessary?

greased custard cups

Get your babybatter into oven safe cups, bowls, ramekins, whatever you’ve got. If you’re lucky, one of your babycakes might be blessed with a holy golden aura by one of the cooler gods.

Custard cups full of batter in the oven, with one cup looking like it was blessed with a holy aura by the oven light.

Anyways, why the somber approach? Can’t we be happy about abortions? Isn’t there more to be happy about than sad?

cherries and cherry juice in a bowl

What you’re aborting is usually going to look more like a cherry (or just the juice) than a baby, anyways. Hence the inclusion in this recipe! Get those out into a bowl, time to make babysauce.

More chocolate melting in a double boiler

You’ll need more liquid chocolate. I melted my own from chips, but a bottled sauce should work. A note, when you add in the cherries to the sauce, add in very little cherry juice at a time, or it may be very runny. You’ll also be adding in corn syrup and red dye for the right viscosity and color.

I should probably clarify right now that this is a modified recipe for fake blood that I received from a theater teacher, not  chocolate sauce.

cherries mixed in with melted chocolate

So, happy abortions. There’s a lot to be happy about, really.

Like the fact that abortion exists. Legal, safe abortion exists, that is.

Cherries, chocolate, red food coloring and corn syrup being mixed in a bowl by a rubber spatula that looks like it's covered in blood

Which means that society at large recognizes that a fetus is not a person (Well okay, a lot of people have trouble with this, like my health education teacher that wanted to know the difference between aborting a maraschino cherry and killing a toddler…)

But society at large! Science! We can see that fetus life isn’t human life, we can say that no, fetuses do not have souls (not that they would upon growing up, but I digress)

More importantly, that a fetus life does not trump a woman life. And not just in the physical sense, but the sense that a clump of unwanted cells does not get to take over a woman’s life. Isn’t that fantastic?

Drained plastic babies in a colander.

The only bad things about abortion comes from those who don’t want them to exist. The stigma, the lies, the blocking of safe abortions that lead to unsafe ones, the utter harassment of abortion patients.

Anti-choicers try to make women cry. They try to make them hate themselves. They surround abortion clinics and attack everyone from the person with the unwanted, unplanned pregnancy to the teenaged rape victim. The goal is to incite as much pain, as much suffering, as much self-loathing as possible.

Isn’t the best response to that to laugh?

A plastic baby, dipped in chocolate 'blood'

To refuse to let someone else decide that you’re doing something evil and wrong?

All of the babies mixed into the chocolate blood sauce.

To say that abortion isn’t a necessary evil, but a non-issue, a thing we’re happy about, a thing we laugh about?

Bowl of plastic babies in chocolate blood next to baked cakes

Isn’t that so much better than it would be to cow to anti-choice pressure, to hang our heads, to hold back tears, to hate ourselves, just like they want?

Plastic baby and blood mixture being spooned into a cake with a whole cut out of it

“You’re going to hell!”

All cakes with plastic baby blood sauce inside of them, with extra sauce drizzled over.

“No, I’m actually going to have cake, you woman hating bastard.”

Single abortion cake on a plate.

If I ever have to have an abortion, that’s what I’ll say anyways.

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