Monthly Archives: December 2012

Dark

I’m afraid of the dark. At night turning off my light is the last thing I do and then I instantly go to sleep because staying awake is too terrifying. But I can’t be  terrified of the dark when I’m asleep.

 

Except sometimes I have nightmares about the fact that I’m asleep and it’s dark.

 

Such nightmares have now woken me up for the second time this month.

 

I don’t like it.

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The things you do to keep yourself sane

Actually make you look crazier.

In order to type this I have taken a break from my current activity, which is tearing apart a cardboard box and feeling like I’m going to cry but not doing so because I thought it was a good idea once to train myself to not cry which really just feels awful.

I also took a moment to chew on the box while staring into space.

 

And the best part, the absolute best part of the fact that I’m doing shit that would get me instantly cast as a lead background character in a film set in an old timey mental institution, is that I’m doing it to keep myself sane. 

 

Which is just so hilarious. If I want to look normal, I have to do things that hurt and make me feel worse, like “You know, I’m just going to stop crying from now on.”

But if I want shit to hurt less, if I want to keep myself from going off the goddamned deep end, well dammit I better go to town on a fucking box.

 

I’m just imagining my mom’s reaction if she found my new box friend. She’d probably prefer the alternatives?

I don’t think I can read today

Well, no, I can.

Just at a limit of, say, 5 words. At a time. And when I read a new word the last one in the queue gets shoved off.

I have a lot of work that involves reading to do today.

Other things I can’t do;

Type. Okay, I can, but wow are the typos flowing thick and fast

Balance. It is for the grace of hand rails that I haven’t fallen off the stairs yet. I have learned that my clinging ability is unimpaired thanks to this. Seriously, though, legs. “Walking up the stairs” is not the time to decide that muscle tone is really an optional thing.

List things.

Also I am constantly starving and constantly eating. And constantly moving around despite hardly being able to do so.

Also I feel like those people on Doctor Who who got their faces sucked off by the Wire.’

I got myself some goldfish to make myself feel better but while I was typing this my cat started to eat them. Now I can’t eat them.

Yelling at the cat is apparently too strenuous an activity.

How am I typing.

Do I have to be a productive member of society? Can’t I just kind of take a day off from reality and get better before having obligations?

UPDATE: I’m going to start updating this post every time I decide to rant on this more.

So  here’s a timeline of when right after my cat ate my goldfish:

Read more of this post

My uterus is subjugating me

I thought this warranted telling the internet.

Also I’m crazy again and shopping for diagnoses.

Thanks, Connecticut Shooting reporters talking endlessly on mental illness. Now I get to wonder about *what* disorder I have again. That way I know how likely I am to be a serial killer.

(seriously though fuck you)

 

Eventually I think that I’m going to put up some posts on the crazy I’ve gone through lately. This does require a general lack of crazy though.

Connecticut Shootings

Some asshole opens fire on a classroom of children.

Twenty children dead, six teachers too.

Holy shit, find someone to blame.

Something to blame.

It was autism.

He was crazy.

“Paranoid personality disorder.”

He was avoidant.

He was a sociopath.

Don’t talk to the psychologists.

Don’t talk to any psychologists.

Had to be a disorder.

A sane person wouldn’t do that.

But an autistic person would.

A paranoid person would.

“The disordered” would.

Blame them.

Blame the disorders.

No disorders, no murder.

That was the cause.

So lets make it harder.

Lets treat them even worse.

The paranoid,

The autistic,

Let’s treat them even worse.

Stigmatize them further.

Make it even harder to get help.

That’s the only thing there is.

That’s the only thing to change.

That’s the only reason that two dozen people died.

 

Nothing to do with flying metal.

Being shot out rapidly.

One after another.

Out of a machine.

Explicitly designed for murder.

Into a child’s body.

Don’t think of that.

Don’t mention that.

We want to keep our guns.

We want our second amendment.

Our right to assault weapons.

Because we definitely need them.

Don’t blame the guns.

The guns don’t kill people.

People kill people.

(So long as you believe the mentally ill are people)

 

But don’t take our guns.

Violence would still remain.

People will just attack with knives.

(ignore for now that they’re less deadly)

I need my assault rifle.

It’s such a fun toy.

I don’t care if having it

means someone else doesn’t have a child.

This is all just a conspiracy.

You want to take our guns away.

What we need is more guns clearly

Add another set of bullets

Put a kid in two crossfires

That’ll make everything better.

Just don’t take our guns away.

Take the crazies away instead.

That’s the best of both worlds really.

Lets have guns and eugenics too.

Is this supposed to be poem or am i just typing weird?! The world shall never know.

FUCK

Who the hell shoots 20 fucking kids. And 7 adults on the side.

Don’t answer “people with personality disorders.” Just don’t. People with personality disorders don’t do that either. People with schizophrenia don’t do that.

We don’t know what makes people do that. Scapegoating people with mental illnesses doesn’t do anyone any good.

Unless your version of good is to relegate an entire group into a feared, second-class citizenship.

Or “Make it harder for people with mental illnesses to get help.”

I have personality disorders. Or I think I do, anyways- I fit the diagnoses- but I can’t get an actual one.

Why?

“Hey mom, I need to see a psychologist.”

“Why?”

“I think I have a personality disorder.”

“Like the dude who shot up an elementary school?”

“Yeah, that’s the one.”

DEAR CERTAIN TRANS PEOPLE

Why do you parrot “sex is between your legs” bullshit.

I assure you, cis people are already aware of their ability to discredit trans people by insisting their sex hasn’t changed.

seriously why, you’re supposed to be the ones that know these things right?

 

Also this was just going to be a bewildered rant but then I found this.

Yes, gender is between your ears, sex is galloping majestically across the field as goalposts are wont to do.

Tonight

Tonight I’m afraid of the dark. Tonight I’m having nested nightmares where I wake up and try to turn the light on and it won’t turn on, and then I wake up from that and try to turn it on and it won’t, and then I wake up from that… and so on, until I actually woke up and now I can’t sleep partly because now my lights are on and staying on, and I’m feeling like I’m going to have a night of sleep paralysis if I keep risking sleep again. Because stress does that. So so much for that.

Depression makes you exhausted. Being exhausted makes you unable to work. Being unable to work gives you anxiety. Anxiety gives you insomnia. Insomnia keeps you exhausted. Exhaustion finally makes you pass out. Paranoia makes you afraid of the dark. Anxiety gives you sleep paralysis. Both of those make sleep terrifying. Being terrified of sleep makes you wake up at 2 am and not dare go back to sleep. Waking up at 2 am makes you exhausted at noon. Being exhausted at noon makes you sleep all day. Sleeping a whole day away makes you depressed.