I don’t think I can read today

Well, no, I can.

Just at a limit of, say, 5 words. At a time. And when I read a new word the last one in the queue gets shoved off.

I have a lot of work that involves reading to do today.

Other things I can’t do;

Type. Okay, I can, but wow are the typos flowing thick and fast

Balance. It is for the grace of hand rails that I haven’t fallen off the stairs yet. I have learned that my clinging ability is unimpaired thanks to this. Seriously, though, legs. “Walking up the stairs” is not the time to decide that muscle tone is really an optional thing.

List things.

Also I am constantly starving and constantly eating. And constantly moving around despite hardly being able to do so.

Also I feel like those people on Doctor Who who got their faces sucked off by the Wire.’

I got myself some goldfish to make myself feel better but while I was typing this my cat started to eat them. Now I can’t eat them.

Yelling at the cat is apparently too strenuous an activity.

How am I typing.

Do I have to be a productive member of society? Can’t I just kind of take a day off from reality and get better before having obligations?

UPDATE: I’m going to start updating this post every time I decide to rant on this more.

So  here’s a timeline of when right after my cat ate my goldfish:

  1. Cat walks away after spitting out the goldfish she was eating
  2. Throw goldfish at cat
  3. Contemplate  throwing bowl at can
  4. Get up with bowl
  5. Walk down hallway
  6. Stop and cling to banister of staircase for a moment
  7. Walk to first step of staircase
  8. Stand there for a moment
  9. Sit down
  10. Decide to start a timeline
  11. Almost drop bowl of cat spit goldfish
  12. Consider dumping goldfish down the stairs
  13. Consider throwing bowl at dog
  14. Consider throwing bowl out window
  15. Consider throwing bowl in general
  16. Consider emptying out bowl by pouring it onto the staircase and sticking it to my face
  17. Forget what I was thinking
  18. Stare into space
  19. Wonder how I look sitting at the top of a staircase staring at nothing in particular holding a bowl of goldfish
  20. Stare more
  21. Attract attention of dog
  22. Consider punching dog and its stupid loud tail
  23. Stand up
  24. Be grateful for existence of hand rail as I walk down stairs
  25. Go to kitchen
  26. Pour out goldfish
  27. Lose interest in replenishing goldfish stores
  28. Start to walk upstairs
  29. Somehow end up laying down on stairs
  30. Look up at cat at top of stairs
  31. Look down
  32. Forget how I ended up curled up on the stairs
  33. Look back up at a concerned cat up in my face
  34. Freak out
  35. Freak cat out
  36. Hear dog whining to be let outside
  37. Hate dog
  38. Get up and walk back down the stairs
  39. Go to door with dog
  40. Consider squishing dog’s face between the door
  41. Go outside with dog
  42. Curl up on patio furniture
  43. Consider sleeping
  44. Wonder if other people have idle thoughts of violence towards annoying albeit fluffy animals
  45. Some number of things happen that I forgot
  46. Have to go downstairs again
  47. Half jump, half fall down stairs
  48. Do not stick the landing
  49. End up back up stairs again somehow
  50. Start writing list
  51. Constantly forget what I’m doing and lose attention

I guess I lied about the “can’t make lists” thing. I guess today I excel at listmaking.

I’m actually not sure why I listed all of that. I partly find it kind of funny I think?

I was going to write something else and I don’t remember what.

UPDATE #2: That list is incomplete, I have realized, because it left out all of the wanting to gouge my eyes out because they feel weird. Same with the desire to just gnaw on my arms for the same reason. “Weird” in this context being hurting except actually not. If someone can explain how I simultaneously hurt all over and not at all with my brain’s prescribed treatment of this being “HURT YOURSELF MORE,” please do explain that.

Also I’m starting to realize that I should not do stream of consciousness posts while crazy because I do not like seeing what they look like.


I thought of falling asleep on my dining room table. I simultaneously thought this was an awful idea and a great one. This is because if my mom found me like that I would not even have to explain that I wasn’t feeling well. I know the one time that I fell asleep in the bathroom because of new depresison medications I did not even have to convince her that the medication was not good for me. “Mom, I need to see a psychologist again.” “Yes this is clear.” would be nice.

I am very angry at the moment regarding my inability to have a psychologist. This is simply too much crazy for one brain to handle and it is not fair that there are people who could help me but also can’t because of terrible reasons. I am also noting the super hilarious coincidence that I get this bout of shittiness right after a school shooting that results in even more “CRAZY PEOPLE ARE EVIL” which is also massively discouraging me from even trying to try to seek a psychologist.

Seriously though why can I type all of this, I can’t do anything else.



I am now realizing that the last time I was feeling like this was almost precisely three years ago, because it went on during the winter break of my freshman year which is just about this time of year. I am really not liking this because I don’t want my brain to start seeking patterns in things lest it get prescriptive of my shittiness instead of just descriptive.


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