This morning I woke up, and I decided to play minecraft on my laptop.
And in doing so I realized that really, truly, I hate the shit out of technology. Not because it glitches and fucks up, but because it does so in ways that should be reserved for the ironic punishments of hell.
I’m pretty good with technology. It hates me with a passion though, meaning that I have a hilariously horrible streak of always buying defective technology. My computer now came with a video card that melted the instant I used it, which was replaced with another, higher end fucked up video card that gave me a nigh unfixable error message that didn’t even give you clues to what was wrong and was only fixed after years and months of hell, and even now, it still just doesn’t work the way that a high end desktop that’s been majorly fixed twice (okay, a lot more than twice) should work.
As in, I have an annoying laptop that just… it was an impulse buy, a rebound after my one and only love in all of technology, an eee pc, died because even though it was the greatest little computer I’d ever known, I bought the one out of fuck who knows how many that had a defective, computer-melting battery. Anyways, this laptop, with a video card I’d never even heard of and 4gb of ram that I think I bought from walmart still for more money than it was ever worth, runs minecraft better than my desktop.
Or so I thought. Because after fixing a few easy problems- which I’m good at doing- and almost getting minecraft to work perfectly… “Display driver stopped responding and has recovered”
That error message being the same one that plagued my desktop for years, refusing to yield to any fix thrown at it until some obscure fix was found somewhere that I don’t remember.
And I looked at my now frozen minecraft, and my perfectly normal looking task manager that indicated no errors, and with complete serenity thought “Fuck this.”
And yes, I mostly meant “fuck trying to run minecraft on this rebound computer, I hate you laptop.” But, deep inside, I also meant “really, fuck technology.”
Because, really, fuck technology. I’ve wanted to pursue it as a career for so long and it baffles me now to think why. Except, I know why. Because I’m good at it. Not with it, no, because I have a horrible reverse midas touch. But I can pick up programming languages really quickly, and I know quite well how to troubleshoot problems and work out solutions to things. I make ridiculous stuff out of redstone on minecraft, using logic gates and memory cells and all kind of ridiculous nonsense. Math and science have always been my strong points. I’ve got all the requirements to be an engineer or a programmer.
Except any joy or passion towards the field. Yes, I do like robotics, and I do like it when programs work out and when I can create interesting things. But I also have this fear that some day I would perfect a robot with completely human intelligence, and mid-sentence it would stop and stare and I would look into its eyes and there would be a message saying “display driver has stopped and has recovered.” And then I would just stop right there too and curl up and cry. Forever.
And then there’s something else that I’m good at, that doesn’t hate me with a passion or make me loathe it, and that’s art. I actually enjoy making art, and it never gives me display driver errors. In fact, art almost never gives you random errors with no clear cause. I even have an actual passion for it- I’ve spent a full day, from 9am to 6:30pm in a metal workshop, just working endlessly on a project and only going home because the open lab was closed. I can actually have a desire to pick up crocheting or spinning, and I’ll actually start up new drawings for no reason other than being bored. If I start working on electronics or programming, I’m either bored or manic at 3 in the morning, or guilty about not working on it more. Mostly the latter.
And here’s another thing with art that technology utterly fails at; There’s actually smooth progression with art, where you can look at the drawings someone, [i]anyone[/i] made when they were two and when they’re 20 and there will be improvement, even if it’s slight. Things start shitty and progressively get better, with actually improvement always being made. Yes, shit can hit the fan art-wise, but that usually happens in the beginning and as time passing the fan has less and less shit and some day you might check out the fan and there isn’t any shit to be seen, just beautiful glistening fan. With technology, you start off with that beautiful fan and it slowly transmutes into shit. It doesn’t even bother to be hit with it. Sometimes it isn’t even slow, sometimes you go straight from beautiful and new to utter shit overnight and nothing can tell you why. I can’t say I’ve ever suddenly start trying to draw or crochet and I forgot how to move my hands overnight.
Of course, actual careers in art aren’t anywhere near as well paying or readily available as those in engineering or technology. Those fields have plenty of open positions that are high paying… but the same can be said of, say, prostitution or organ selling. And I’m relatively sure there’s less sexism in both of those combined than there is in engineering. Not that I’ve got anything against people who want to do any three of those things, I just feel like reserving my right to not be in a career that makes me want to cry all the time, or that is prostitution or black market organ trades.
And yes, it’s possible to keep art as a hobby and have a sad, life-hatey job like everyone else besides artists do apparently. But I can also have a career that makes me happy and a hobby that’s annoying that I can do when it isn’t annoying. Because if I actually got the one technology career I want, dealing in robotics, I would actually be more of a danger for suddenly turning on everyone and going berserk and killing everything than anything I make.