August 19, 2013
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I’m tired of them.
Brain zaps are what happen if you miss a dose of venlaxafine (and other SSRIs/SNRIs). You know how your heartbeat feels? That’s what my brain zaps feel. Except. In my brain. Weird-ass sensations of throbbing. Not like a throbbing headache, where it hurts and then you actually feel your heartbeat as the throbbing… but your brain itself actually seems to throbbing. Or lurching. Or jolting. Kind of like how you suddenly tense up when something scares you. Except HAPPENING IN YOUR BRAIN. And all of my auditory input gets fucked over to- that throbs as well along with your weird little brain pulses. So if I’m hearing my air conditioner whooshing, instead of an even “whoosh” it’s a fucked up “Wh-wh-wh-whoosh”
This happens every time I move my eyes. Or my head. It sucks, is what I’m saying. And no doctor or side-effects pamphlets told me this would happen (I didn’t find out it was a thing until I got fed up with them and started googling shit in response). Also, nobody asked “hey, are you able to take a pill EVERY SINGLE DAY consistently?” Because, I can’t. I’ve never been able to. Dunno why. Alarms and reminders and set times every day and all kinds of nonsense have never made it possible for me to consistently take a pill. So I end up where I am now… brain zapping.
Except this time I didn’t just forget a pill. If I just forget a pill I take one and it goes away in a few hours. No, this time, I’m out of pills. Because just as I can’t remember to take pills, I can’t manage to call my psychiatrist to refill my perscription. I’ve lost my concept of time just a little, but as far as I can tell it’s been anywhere from a month to a few weeks to maybe just last week that I’ve needed new pills but each time I call they’re busy/out of the office because I woke up too late or had to work or whatever, and they haven’t returned my calls… so I’m just learning to cope with my brain whooshing around in my head and hoping they just fill the fucking prescription maybe even before I go to work tomorrow because I don’t want to do a six hour shift where I can’t think straight. (it won’t happen)
I’m also wishing someone could tell me if “incapable to remembering to take pills and such” is a thing, maybe with a name or whatever? Because I’d like to be able to say “I’m this” instead of throwing up my hands and describing the problem and people chalking me down as lazy/irresponsible/whatever.