Category Archives: Art

I’m forsaking technology

This morning I woke up, and I decided to play minecraft on my laptop.

And in doing so I realized that really, truly, I hate the shit out of technology. Not because it glitches and fucks up, but because it does so in ways that should be reserved for the ironic punishments of hell.

I’m pretty good with technology. It hates me with a passion though, meaning that I have a hilariously horrible streak of always buying defective technology. My computer now came with a video card that melted the instant I used it, which was replaced with another, higher end fucked up video card that gave me a nigh unfixable error message that didn’t even give you clues to what was wrong and was only fixed after years and months of hell, and even now, it still just doesn’t work the way that a high end desktop that’s been majorly fixed twice (okay, a lot more than twice) should work.

As in, I have an annoying laptop that just… it was an impulse buy, a rebound after my one and only love in all of technology, an eee pc, died because even though it was the greatest little computer I’d ever known, I bought the one out of fuck who knows how many that had a defective, computer-melting battery. Anyways, this laptop, with a video card I’d never even heard of and 4gb of ram that I think I bought from walmart still for more money than it was ever worth, runs minecraft better than my desktop.

 

Or so I thought. Because after fixing a  few easy problems- which I’m good at doing- and almost getting minecraft to work perfectly… “Display driver stopped responding and has recovered”

That error message being the same one that plagued my desktop for years, refusing to yield to any fix thrown at it until some obscure fix was found somewhere that I don’t remember.

 

And I looked at my now frozen minecraft, and my perfectly normal looking task manager that indicated no errors, and with complete serenity thought “Fuck this.”

 

And yes, I mostly meant “fuck trying to run minecraft on this rebound computer, I hate you laptop.” But, deep inside, I also meant “really, fuck technology.”

 

Because, really, fuck  technology. I’ve wanted to pursue it as a career for so long and it baffles me now to think why. Except, I know why. Because I’m good at it. Not with it, no, because I have a horrible reverse midas touch. But I can pick up programming languages really quickly, and I know quite well how to troubleshoot problems and work out solutions to things. I make ridiculous stuff out of redstone on minecraft, using logic gates and memory cells and all kind of ridiculous nonsense. Math and science have always been my strong points. I’ve got all the requirements to be an engineer or a programmer.

Except any joy or passion towards the field.  Yes, I do like robotics, and I do like it when programs work out and when I can create interesting things. But I also have this fear that some day I would perfect a robot with completely human intelligence, and mid-sentence it would stop and stare and I would look into its eyes and there would be a message saying “display driver has stopped and has recovered.” And then I would just stop right there too and curl up and cry. Forever.

 

And then there’s something else that I’m good at, that doesn’t hate me with a passion or make me loathe it, and that’s art. I actually enjoy making art, and it never gives me display driver errors. In fact, art almost never gives you random errors with no clear cause. I even have an actual passion for it- I’ve spent a full day, from 9am to 6:30pm in a metal workshop, just working endlessly on a project and only going home because the open lab was closed. I can actually have a desire to pick up crocheting or spinning, and I’ll actually start up new drawings for no reason other than being bored. If I start working on electronics or programming, I’m either bored or manic at 3 in the morning, or guilty about not working on it more. Mostly the latter.

And here’s another thing with art that technology utterly fails at; There’s actually smooth progression with art, where you can look at the drawings someone, [i]anyone[/i] made when they were two and when they’re 20 and there will be improvement, even if it’s slight. Things start shitty and progressively get better, with actually improvement always being made. Yes, shit can hit the fan art-wise, but that usually happens in the beginning and as time passing the fan has less and less shit and some day you might check out the fan and there isn’t any shit to be seen, just beautiful glistening fan. With technology, you start off with that beautiful fan and it slowly transmutes into shit. It doesn’t even bother to be hit with it. Sometimes it isn’t even slow, sometimes you go straight from beautiful and new to utter shit overnight and nothing can tell you why. I can’t say I’ve ever suddenly start trying to draw or crochet and I forgot how to move my hands overnight.

 

Of course, actual careers in art aren’t anywhere near as well paying or readily available as those in engineering or technology. Those fields have plenty of open positions that are high paying… but the same can be said of, say, prostitution or organ selling. And I’m relatively sure there’s less sexism in both of those combined than there is in engineering. Not that I’ve got anything against people who want to do any three of those things, I just feel like reserving my right to not be in a career that makes me want to cry all the time, or that is prostitution or black market organ trades.

And yes, it’s possible to keep art as a hobby and have a sad, life-hatey job like everyone else besides artists do apparently. But I can also have a career that makes me happy and a hobby that’s annoying that I can do when it isn’t annoying. Because if I actually got the one technology career I want, dealing in robotics, I would actually be more of a danger for suddenly turning on everyone and going berserk and killing everything than anything I make.

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A crochet pattern! Octagon Net Stockings (pattern trial run)

This post has nothing to do with Atheism or Feminism or slow descents into madness or any of my typical topics. Instead, it’s about crochet! However, I will still categorize it under Feminism because LOOK AT MY LEGS, SSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I made these socks. These very long, very rainbow-y socks. This is their pattern, for a test run of my pattern making abilities because I want to be able to sell crochet patterns through etsy, while simultaneously not getting angry emails about how non-understandable my patterns are.

Crocheted octagon-net topless stocking

RainbowLegs

Pattern notes:

  • These stockings are topless, meaning they have no elastic or cuff to hold them up, and require a sock garter/garter belt/clips/other imaginative sock-holding device to stay up.
  • the four sts at the ends of the toe cap should be the first st you crochet in one row in the round, the two “middle” sts you would crochet in one row in the round, and the last st you would crochet. “first and last” stitches will be right next to each other as will middle stitches.
  • The toes of these socks are angled to fit toes more  exactly, so don’t be surprised when your toe cap is angled and not totally flat as you work these rows.
  • An octagon row counts as 6 st up for arch padding, or two complete rows of ch 6, dc and ch 5, sc 3 joined together.
  • For feet smaller than a women’s 8/men’s 6, ch 6 can be changed to ch 5 or ch 4 for the arch netting
  • when you make the netting for the leg, I would only recommend doing the “loosen your chain” option if you are making these socks for yourself, so that you may test the width on your own legs.
  • All shoe sizes are US

Less common stitches:

dc2tog: yo, insert hook into st. yo, pull through. yo, insert into next st, yo, pull through. yo, pull through first 4 loops on hook, yo, pull through rest of the hoops.

Yarn: 80 grams/~400 yards sock weight yarn, any color, for socks that reach thigh-high.

Gauge: 13 rows, 14 stitches across of sc should be approximately 2″x2″, which can be achieved using sock weight yarn and a G hook. If you’re making these for yourself, you don’t have to worry about gauge so much as how well it works on your feet. Chains should be tight.

Size: Using the outlined gauge and default numbers (no modificiations) these socks will fit a women’s size 8/men’s size 6 foot slightly loosely, 15 inch calves snugly with plenty of stretching room, and go 22 inches up the leg to stretch around 24 inch thighs with a little room still to stretch.

Toe Cap:

1- Ch 15

2- sc in the “top” of ch closest to the hook, sc across (15st)

3- turn piece upsidedown,  and repeat row 2 in the “bottom” of the ch 15, to begin forming the toe cap – (30st)

4, 5- begin crocheting in the round. inc in the two st at each end of the toe cap (4 inc total, first and last and middle stitches). repeat once around for row 5 (38st)

6 – 13- inc in the two st at one end of the toe cap (2 inc total, just first and last OR middle sts. Use different sts for each sock- if one sock is first and last, the other should be middle sts). Repeat 7 more times (54 st) This should make a toe cap wide enough for a women’s size 8/men’s size 6 foot. For a smaller or larger foot, you can add or remove repeats. For your own foot, repeat  this row until the toe cap is as wide as the width of your toes.

14 – 21- sc around for 8 rows. You can also increase or reduce this number as you feel necessary. (54st)

Arch padding and netting:

22-24 sc for 27, or half of your st count at the end of the last row if you altered the increase number. turn. repeat two more times for three rows of 27 up in total. Do not turn at the end of the last row (27)

25- ch 6, skip 3 on the sts “below” the rows of 3 and dc. repeat 5 times or until you’re 3 st from the end of the “below” row.  ch 6 and sc onto the near end of the 3 rows of 27. This should give you a total of 7 little “bumps” if you started with 54st in your toe cap (the default)

26-28- repeat rows 22-24 for another 3 rows of 27

29- ch 2, sc onto the 3rd ch of the closest ch 6. Sc for 3. ch 5, and sc onto the 3rd chain of the next ch 6. Sc for 3 again. Repeat the pattern of ch 5, sc 3 until the end of the row of ch 6. ch 2, sc onto the near end of the 3 rows of ch 27.

30-45- repeat rows 22- 29. for row 25, dc onto the middle of the ch 5 of the row below.  You should have the same number of bumps as in the first row 25. Repeat two more times (3 octagon rows total) for a sock that will fit a women’s size 8/men’s size 6 foot. For smaller feet, do not decrease the amount of octagon rows but decrease the ch 6 to a ch 5 or ch 4. For feet larger than size 9/7, begin adding more octagon rows. A good formula to go by would be one octagon row for every two sizes above 8/6

Be sure to end the rows with a ch5/sc 3 row, not a ch 6/dc row.

Heel:

46-57- for a sock with a 27 st padding, sc across for 26, turn, leaving the last sc unworked. Repeat this pattern (sc across one less than the row, leave last sc unworked, turn) 11 more times or until 15 st remain on top (12 total times) (15)

58- sc across, sc2tog the space under the st and the next st down. sl st to the bottom of the st to smooth the edge. Turn. Repeat this pattern of “picking up” sts until the whole heel is picked back up and you have the number of sts “active” that you started with at row 46

Netting:

59- turn, ch8. Skip 2, dc2tog. *ch6, dc2tog.* Repeat the pattern between *’s until you are 9 to 12 st from the end of the heel.  If you started with 27 st, make the last dc2tog a regular dc. Otherwise:

If you have 12 st to go until the end, do three more skip 2, dc2tog as normal

if you have 11 st, change the last (of three) skip 2, dc2togs into a skip2, dc

if you have 10 st, change the last two (of three) skip 2, dc2togs into a skip2, dc

if you have 9 st, change all three skip 2, dc2togs into skip2, dcs

This way you should end the heel with the last st at the end of the heel.

ch 4, dc onto the top of the nearest ch 5 from the arch pad/netting rows. Repeat this pattern, making the ch 4 a ch 6 until you dc onto the last ch 5. ch 4, sl st onto the second ch of the ch 8. bind off.

leg:

60- slst onto the second ch of the middle-most ch6/dc on the back of the heel.* sc 3, ch5. sc onto the second ch of the next ch 6. Repeat from the * around until you meet back up with the first sc 3 you made.  sc 3 across.  sl st into the middle of the nearest ch 5. ch 8. ^dc onto the middle of the next ch 5. ch6. repeat from the ^ around until you meet with the initial ch8, and slst onto the second ch of the ch 8. sc 2 up onto the ch8, turn, ch 5, and join to second ch of the next ch 6. Continue on with the pattern after the *.

61-64- continue on with the pattern established in row 60.

65-71- continue on with the netting pattern, increasing the amount of each ch by 1 (i.e. dc, ch6  becomes dc, ch7). Alternately, loosen your ch 6/ch5 sts to allow for greater width

72-77 continue on with the netting pattern, increasing the amount of each ch by 1 again (ch 7 now ch 8, etc) and increasing the sc 3 to sc 4. Alternately, loosen your ch6/ch5 st more.

Archery and Amazons

So there’s this myth I’ve heard, about how Amazon women supposedly cut off their right breast in order to shoot better, because it got in the way or something.

Upon first hearing this, I dismissed it as millenia-old misogyny, of the “women can’t naturally do things men do.”

Now, I’m not about to say I’ve stopped dismissing it as misogyny. It still is. But my view became more nuanced once I became an archer myself.

For lack of a better way to describe why, I drew out a, um, diagram of a particular issue faced by me and other female archers;

Bow string drawn across chest + jutting boobs = nipple bruise a la bowstring

So really, wrong boob. Unless all Amazons were left handed.

I really want to draw what a nipplebruise looks like when kindly donated by a bowstring, but I’m nicer than that and I’m not sure that wordpress would be keen on me doing that.  Just picture a breast, and superimpose a 4-inch-by-2-inch bruise that really looks less ‘bruise’ and more ‘purple skin and fucked up red splotches that make it look like you’re bleeding under the skin’.

Fun!

You know, they make guards for your arm for this kind of thing. They make special gloves for your fingers so that you don’t hurt them holding the string. I’ve even heard of people with face guards because they can’t stop slapping themselves when releasing the string.

But should you be so lucky as to find a guard for the chest, it’ll be made (primarily) for men. To, um, hold back clothing. And they’re flat. Which really works well on something curved. Like boobs.

FUN FACT: I hit myself in the boob almost every shot I took while practicing yesterday. This is a few dozen times. It’s like having someone poking a bruise repeatedly, except actually they punch it with all of the force and hatred inside of them.

BEHOLD, THE CUTERUS.

Little crocheted uterus, plus the most adorable kitty face.

With equally cute things;

Cuterus with My Little Pony friends.

Note the sparkles. Not the Twilight Sparkles, the glittery type.

This is where it has lived since I made it. It’s nice having a cat-faced uterus stare you down while you’re on the computer, really.

I was going to send it to a male representative in order to sway him to not be an idiot,  But sweet evil Jesus it’s too cute.

And so it is all mine.

Steve Irwin, privileged asshole hunter.

This is either the worst thing I’ve ever made, or my magnum opus.

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a PSA

TRIGGER WARNING: The word ‘stupid’, the word ‘misogynist’, naughty bad words, words, punctuation, images, colors, lines, fluffy hampster creatures, people, shirts, monitors, keyboards, tables, chairs, viking paraphernalia, trigger warnings.

Right. So. I made a thing to address a, um, pressing issue.
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Boobs 101, Lesson One

I’ve thought before that it might be nice being a professor at some point, teaching something technology related probably.

But sometimes, after viewing a lot of art on the internet, I really just want to teach a god damned “BOOBS 101” course, because to many artists they seem to be an enigma.

So I’m going to start a little series on boobs. Drawing boobs. Drawing boobs, and not making it seem like they’re some alien, unknowable thing. In infographic form

I’m starting with Lesson One, “Boobs Over Time”. Essentially, how to draw boobs on characters under 18. People can’t seem to get this.

The image, after the jump:

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Finished Result of the Cover Contest

I think it turned out way better than my original sketch.

Anyways, it’s been submitted now, despite me being tempted to keep on editing it right up to 1:59 tonight. Time for hoping!

 

Also, as a side note. Drawing my generic Atheist as female? Was actually sort of weird. Like it was inaccurate since the book wasn’t specifically about women, and it wasn’t a drawing of Greta or something.

But I drew her female anyways because that’d be a stupid reason not to. Still strange though, in a kinda interesting way.

The Most Beautiful Cover

So Greta Christina is holding a contest for the cover design of her book!

Though my artistic ability tends more towards drawing pretty pictures than actual graphic design (At least going by what I perceive the difference to be), I figured I would give it a shot.

By “figured I would give it a shot”, I mean I instantly got all giddy at the prospect of designing a cover for her book. Greta is one of my favorite bloggers, and Atheists and Anger is one of my favorite posts. On top of that, there’s the slim chance I could actually win, which would be simultaneously awesome and really good experience to have should I ever start doing commission art, an idea that’s been floating around my head for a few months now and is currently firmly in the “yes, I will almost definitely maybe do that in the future when I have time” zone. So a chance to test out being an artist for money is kinda neat.

Anyways, all of that giddiness resulted in a ton of ideas for what would make a good cover, and I didn’t want to lose those ideas, so I figured I would sketch them out. However, I was in bed with my laptop, my sketch pad was way all the way down on the floor next to me, and my drawing tablet was by my desktop. The two and six feet respectively that I would have had to move to retrieve either of them was simply too much physical exertion, so I settled for the next best thing.

So here’s the, ah, rough draft of the cover design I decided on, a masterpiece forged by the pen tool on my art program and my laptop’s touchpad.

My favorite part is how it looks like a picture of a disgruntled nun with an owlkin preaching to little frog people behind her.

Which, sadly, is not the actual cover design.

I’ve started work on the actual cover design though! A lot of work is already done. I’ll probably post the finished result here too.

But I wanted to post that first.

***

EDIT: It’s pretty now!

The Ascent of Duck

The Ascent of Duck

You know, it really bothers me how Kirk Cameron tries to “disprove” evolution when he clearly hasn’t even looked into what it entails.

Obviously if he had done some research, he would have asked for a Crocoduck Fossil.