Category Archives: Christianity

I have acquired babies! Oh, and CATURDAY

So I’m at Hobby Lobby looking for glittery pink yarn so that I can crochet a uterus and send it to a male representative, right?

Right.

And what do I find as I wander aimlessly through the aisles?

BABIES.

Little plastic babies.

The most important ingredient to my abortion cake, which I’d been putting off making because babies are so hard to find!

But now I’ve found them, while looking for the stuff to crochet a uterus with. If fate/gods/etc. were actual things, this would totally be proof that they love both irony and abortions.

Anyways I forgot to take a picture of the packaging, which is a shame, because the brand seemed to be “Bag of Chips”, and that’s a pretty wonderful thing to see on a bag of babies.

But in lieu of that, here’s a picture of my cat covered in little babies:

This is why you should always spay and neuter your pets.

Illustrating my belief that unwanted babies are essentially just glorified parasites.

Judging by her expression, she agrees!

Fetuses are probably pretty high in protein!

She also seems to think that babies make for good eatings.

She’d make a good Atheist, if that was even a thing that cats could be. Pretty sure there’s no point behind having cat Atheists when you don’t cat Theists.

Though there are catlicks, so maybe…?

Anyways, I’ll get a post up on how to make abortion cakes soon! Probably tomorrow. It’ll be delicious.

Everything a Catholic priest needs

Just something I came across a while ago, in the tags section of communion wafers on Amazon.

The Ascent of Duck

The Ascent of Duck

You know, it really bothers me how Kirk Cameron tries to “disprove” evolution when he clearly hasn’t even looked into what it entails.

Obviously if he had done some research, he would have asked for a Crocoduck Fossil.

Twilight and Christians and Rage

Oh my

So I was going to make a nice, lighthearted post about crocoducks.

And then I overheard a conversation about Twilight.

Just the mention of the name fills me with burning rage, and I’m going to dump that rage right here.

Where to begin? The Mormonism, the misogyny, the fanbase- All equally worthy of hatred. But I think I’ll start with the Mormonism and the misogyny, because we all know that those go together far too well.

Mormonism (and by extension, misogyny) plays a huge role in the book, something that’s obvious to anyone who bothers to think about what they’re reading, despite the fact the Meyers claims the opposite. Bella is the typical stupid, helpless ladyfolk that can’t defend herself (or even stay sane) without her oh-so-wonderful stalker vampire boyfriend. The stalking, of course, doesn’t seem to make anyone bat an eye, because as we all know unhealthy possessiveness is the most romantic thing in the world. This is the sort of woman (and relationship) that gives Mormons magic-underwear-ruining erotic dreams, because Mormons are horrible people.

Now, to get into specifics, we have things like werewolves “imprinting” onto children, and vampires who think that a girl was meant for him because he really likes how her blood smells. Kinda like the Mormon idea that men were promised certain women in their mystical pre-existence, which creates fun ideas like “if a man is attracted to a woman it means God promised her to him” which turns extra fun when people take this to mean that sexually attractive women can’t be raped. Even without the fact that the aforementioned werewolf “imprinted” on a child, this is just bizarre, creepy shit.

Next there’s the fact that Bella wants to get married to Edward (after knowing him a few weeks) and then turned into a vampire, which would make Bella immortal and essentially make her marriage with Edward last forever- just like how in Mormonism, marriage (at least done by the church, anyways) lasts eternally, even past death and into the afterlife. Which is cute and all, until you get into things like people who decide to get married after a few weeks and then realize they hate each other. Or when a woman is widowed after only a few months and forced to live the rest of her life alone, because the church refuses to give her another magical marriage. Gee, what if Edward had been vampire-killed and Bella had to live eternally as a widow vampire? That sure would have been romantic, or something like that.

But just those reasons don’t warrant hatred of the book. Misogynistic themes and Mormon undertones- which people like to claim are from all religions, as if that would make them less awful and deserving of hate -are one thing. You see them a lot, and they stop making you all that mad.

What warrants hatred of the book is how it’s received. It’s looked at by young girls as an actual fantasy. They fantasize about someone stalking them, about deciding that  they’re madly in love after knowing someone for barely any time at all, about being utterly dependent on someone because they’re too weak and stupid to stand up for themselves. They fantasize about deciding to spend the rest of an eternal life with someone who’s controlling and possessive, because they think that they love that person for entirely superficial reasons. It’s sick and it’s sad that these kind of ideas are even acceptable in civilized society, much less glorified.

But the worst thing, the thing that makes me want to strangle kittens to death and burn their bodies with my own rage, is how the fans (or at least the high majority of them) act; that is, almost identical to how religious fundamentalists act. They attack people who disagree with their ideas. They become obsessive to the point that their entire life revolves around some damn book. The best part, though, is when you try to talk to them about it.

Try to explain to a religious person why you reject their religion, then try to explain why you dislike Twilight to a Twilight fan, and tell me that it isn’t the same damn argument with a few different words, like some insane fanatic madlibs. Both of them love their circular logic, their ignorance of facts, and if they’re feeling extra frisky, their violent fits of rage. But don’t mention any of those things to either of them, because they’re convinced that their logic is sound and that surely nobody would be violent in the name of their stupid obsession.

And if you continue to disagree with them, well, you just want to hate (the baby Jesus/Twilight). If only you would read (the Bible/the Twilight books), you would see the light and understand how (the world was created by Morgan Freeman 6000 years ago/Edward is the exact description of a perfect man). If you won’t agree with that, it’s because you’re (an evil sinner/stupid). It’s not because (the religious/Twilight fans) have a tendency to (push their sick, twisted ideals on others/push their sick, twisted ideals on others), or that they get so caught up in idolizing (fictional men/fictional men) that they (become violent/become violent) towards anyone who doesn’t agree with them. Nope, definitely not that.

Not that at all.

I was not prepared for such insanity

So I thought it might be a good idea to start this blog out with some good old Christian lunacy, maybe some debunking of their more insane ideas. Should be easy, right?

It turns out I was wrong.

I figured I would just find myself some televangelists. Their job revolves around being insane, so I’d have something to write about in no time.

I found a show by Rod Parsley.

My first impression was that his voice was stunningly similar to Kermit the Frog, if a bit deeper. Everything seemed to be smooth sailing so far; I could probably write a decent amount about a muppet-voiced man who liked to talk about the bible.

Then he got out on stage with a microphone, surrounded by hordes of people. That’s where it got terrifying. He was shouting out paraphrased bible verses, and would occasionally become so caught up in the moment that his words would turn to inarticulate howls. Suddenly, he went up to a girl and turned his crazed screeching onto her. Then he pushed her to the floor. And she lay there. I later found out that this is an actual (albeit bizarre) thing, but that almost makes it weirder.

The horde of Christians then continued to grow louder and more bizarre, with the camera showing random people outright crying, despite the fact that the entire sermon so far had mostly just been shouted groans. The girl who had been knocked over finally stood back up after a quite a few minutes of laying there, and was promptly smacked down again by Rod. Rod then bludgeoned another man, all while his eyebrows danced around erratically to his strange shouted chanting. This continued on until the end of the show.

I really don’t know what I can make of all of this. The shouting, the pushing people over, the “everyone looking like they’re crying”…

I don’t know. It was probably the best display of mass hysteria I’ve ever seen, but past that I think that this level of lunacy far surpasses me.

It’s also made me worried about how easy it would be for someone to put hallucinogens in communion or something.

Just, ya know, something to consider.